WHARGARBL 2: The GARBLing

So, you may have read my post on the internet flamewar around Superman's undies.

Well, now we have a clearer picture of the outfit courtesy of the Man of Steel Facebook page.

Now, as you can imagine, the dreaded butthurt virus has so far raged unchecked. At the time of this writing, however, you can see various posters start to concede that costumes change over time, and it really isn't all that bad. Actually, I'll admit, I'm kind of in love with the new suit. It adds just enough detail and ribbing to look kind of alien and interesting, but keeps the classic color scheme and lines of the suit (except for the crimson pantaloons, of course). It doesn't look like a man in pajamas anymore...it looks like something an alien prince would wear, and that's awesome.

Also, may I say? I didn't think he looked like a good Superman as far as his face went in the first picture they released...but goddamn if the boy isn't the spitting image of the comic book Supes in these pictures. Now if only the story is up to snuff...

I Have The Weirdest Boner Right Now

As a heterosexual American white upper-middle-class male, I feel a pang of guilt for whole-heartedly endorsing any article that refutes a feminist's call for girls not to dress in slutty clothing.

But I swear to God, it's not what it looks like (that's what she said).

In truth, I find the article to be a sobering delegation of social responsibility. Let's face it, we all like to feel attractive to the sex we find attractive. Me, I like suits and tuxes. A lot of girls, they dress slutty. But it's all with the same aim.

Rather than condemning that solitary action, the article actually steps back and locks on to some of the real problem areas in the college social scene, and doesn't blame women's actions for their own treatment by males. Instead, it critiques the total control of men and fraternities with regards to social activities, and the fact that many women and fraternities are forced to simply "tag along".

All in all, a sobering, level-headed read; and in this day and age, over a topic as divisive as gender relations, that's as rare as a panda that wants to have sex.

MEN OF DESTINY: Addendum

So, as a sort-of-continuation of my post on Gundam themes, I'd like to note that in researching it, I somehow got  ZZ Gundam's "Anime Ja Nai" stuck permanently in my head. I'd like to call it an honorable mention, but I don't think that's quite correct. Anyway, here it is:

Stay classy, Bravo.

So, one of the Real Husbands of Beverly Hills committed suicide. Normally, I get a certain perverse satisfaction in seeing something actually "real" happen on a reality show. But this whole thing just stinks, especially since Bravo is apparently already shooting a special dedicated to the poor guy.

I'd like to say it's going to be tastefully handled...but I don't like to be wrong.

YA DUN GOUFED

In keeping with my Giant-Sized Gundam post today, here's a wonderful retelling of the Jessi Slaughter saga, as only Gundam can do it.

For information on the meme/video that inspired it, please consult Know Your Meme. Just be careful NOT TO GET BACKTRACED

MEN OF DESTINY: The Top 8 Gundam Themes

Because Gundam is fucking tits and so is its music.

If you've never seen any of the Gundam series, it's one of the most influential in the history of anime (and science fiction in general). It's essentially the Star Trek of Japan, and like Star Trek, most of the plots are the same. They go like this: a guy who's way too young... or inexperienced... or from space...accidentally or reluctantly becomes the pilot of a unique robot death machine, and starts turning the tide during an allegory for World War II.

Nazi's? Never...never heard of 'em. Why?

It's always been one of my favorite universes for its richness, scope, and diversity. Further, the franchise has consistently thrilled me with knock-down, drag-out giant robot action while also fleshing out the moral complexities of war. In particular, the original series in 1979 showed how there really are no "good guys" or "bad guys" in war, except at the top. The rest are grunts, just tryin' to get by.

Of course, all that philosophy is set amid giant fucking robots beating each other into scrap, and that juxtaposition is part of what makes Gundam series awesome. The other part is the KICK-ASS theme music. And it is to those that I devote this post, counting down from 8 to 1 my favorite theme songs from the Gundam universe. LET'S DO IT.

LOLOLOLOL

It's funny that the Daily Mail says Lady Gaga was performing "in drag" at the VMA's. Because SHE'S A MAN. SHE'S A MAN, SHE'S A MAN, SHE'S A MAN. SHE HAS A PENIS.

Whew.

Anyway.

Subtlety.

This poster has it.

This is a teaser poster for Captain America: The First Avenger made by Alex4everdn on DeviantArt. It's just so incredibly understated. Nowadays posters are all sparks and floating heads, but there's something so incredibly cool and tense about this poster. Not just because the men in the boat are about to storm the beachhead at Normandy: there is also tension between the realistic-looking but still flashy shield and the rough, ready men crowding the craft.

It's just such a fantastically simple and subtle idea for a poster, and I'm sorry Marvel didn't think about it. But you can bet your ass Alex4everdn did.

WHARGARBL

I think I'll just make that the title for posts like this from now on. You see, it is a time of great nerd rage on the internet. Superman's costume has been changed.

Again.

I'm sorry. You can stop now. It's over.

This is the coolest thing that will ever happen:

If you're a movie fan and don't follow the Behind the Scenes Pic of the Day on Aint It Cool News, you are doing yourself a tremendous disservice. But even worse than that, you would have missed what may be the most badass image ever captured by a mortal.

Lemme break it down.

Ya gotcher filming of Yojimbo in the background. Yojimbo is the movie that A Fistful of Dollars remade. It involves a samurai with medicine-balls for testicles strolling into town and single-handedly destroying two criminal empires by playing them off each other like the most magnificent bastard alive.

Now, that samurai is played by the immortal Toshiro Mifune. Chances are, if you've heard of only ONE Japanese actor, it was him. And there's good reason: not only is he very talented as an actor, but his characters are simply some of the pimpingest badasses ever to be filmed. In that way, he's a lot like Clint Eastwood, who played the analogue of Mifune's Yojimbo character in the "Man With No Name" trilogy.

 And they both have squinty eyes. Wait, OH GOD NO HOW DO I DELETE-

So you've got an iconic badass, an iconic movie. But that's not what makes this the raddest pic in the universe. No, Mifune couldn't be photographed doing something normal, like farting, or reading the script. Nope. They filmed him behind the wheel of his MG. Top down. In samurai garb.

Normally, that'd be enough to seal the deal. But what's on his dash? A mother-fucking shit-kicking SAMURAI SWORD.

Know what's on my dash? Dust.

And the best part? The look on his face looks like he's going to 7-11. Like he's off to kill a thousand men, but is totally bored at the prospect. He hangs up the phone and says to the director, "Shit. Well...I'll be back." And just tosses his sword on the dash like it's his fucking Blackberry.

Christ...this fucking guy, man.

In Soviet Russia...

...corruption ends mayor!

Double Standards

Check 'em.

It's almost a damn joke. A Baltimore cop who shoots an unarmed man while off duty, KILLING HIM, gets 15 years in prison.

Meanwhile, a guy in Baltimore who shoots at police officers, NOT HITTING THEM, mind you, gets 5 consecutive life sentences, 6 concurrent life sentences, 80 years consecutive and 38 years concurrent, with no chance of parole for 65 years.

Shootin' at cops is bad, m'kay? But it doesn't make you Hitler Mk. II, and that (or remaking Casablanca) is the only thing I would consider worthy of 11 LIFE SENTENCES and 118 more years after that.

It's gotta be a joke. Our reality must be part of some satirical work, because there's no way that's actually a thing. I refuse to believe our justice system is that insane. 

Stephen Fry Sums Up America:

Even when things seem to be in the shitter when it comes to our country and our ability to live with one another and come together into a cohesive nation, sometimes an outside perspective can remind us of what we always hoped to be, and what we are, deep down within. And no one is better equipped to remind us than that incomparable British renaissance man Stephen Fry, when he was attending the Iron Bowl (Auburn vs. Alabama):

"I really don't know of anything that sums up America better...it's simultaneously preposterous...incredibly laughable...impressive...charming...ridiculous...expensive...overpopulated...wonderful...America."

"So a good deed shines in a weary world..."

Just kidding. I'm gonna try to refrain as much as possible from being a snooty film major in this blog, but Christ this tweet from Clive Barker makes me feel good:

        "Hello, my friends. I want to put on record that the flic [sic] out there using the word Hellraiser is no 

         fuckin' child of mine...I have nothing to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive

         Barker,it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole."

Barker is speaking, of course, about the new Hellraiser movie coming out. And regardless of the actual quality of the movie, it makes me feel damn good to see a creator speak out against the current pandemic of Sequelitis. Horror movies are especially prone to this for some reason; the Halloween franchise absolutely careening out of John Carpenter's hands comes to mind.

Of course, Cliver Barker has signed his name on other rather questionable Hellraiser continuations...maybe that fact that this one is apparently being made just to hold on to the rights to the franchise (presumably to keep milking it long after it pleads to be put out of its cow-misery) has something to do with it.

I just realized...I have a blog. I can put ANYTHING I WANT ON IT.

And with this awesome power:

Men's asses.

This Is the Cure for My Liberal Rage.

Mindless violence. Aw jyeah.

Ghost Rider is a hero with a killer look, but I've always felt that's pretty much all he's been able to bring to the table. But that's not necessarily a detriment...there's a time when all of us crave simplicity in the form of one dimension. For some, that dimension is beauty.

For me, it is violence. Glorious face-melting arm-lopping 80's gratuitous head-explody violence.

And that's why this this trailer for "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" reeally excites me. We'll see what the final film looks like, but for now, it looks like a really loopy, carefree, balls-to-the-wall fuckfest of fun violence. And where they could have gone too dark and gritty, they've gone ridiculous awesomefun. Awesun. Fawesome.

Check it out.

Present Your Faces, America.

Because the GOP is going to cock-slap them until you stand the fuck up to them.

This link basically exhibits what makes me so inconsolably mad with the Republican Party. Not conservatives, mind you, but the Republican Party. For those of you schlubs who hate reading, I'll summarize: basically, the Republicans are against extending the tax reduction on the payroll tax. This tax essentially affects 46% of Americans, if the article is to be believed, who owe no income taxes but pay the paroll tax on every paycheck they earn.

Now, you'd think the GOP, with their whole "cut taxes" beef would be behind this all the way. But you would be forgetting that the GOP is essentially a band of lapdogs, henchmen, and cultists in the pocket of America's richest citizens *COUGH*Kochbrothers*COUGH*.

But that's not what disturbs me about this article. I'm well used to the GOP practically having to stifle their giggles as the trick America's uneducated and ignorant (whether willfully or not) into voting against their own interests. This feels to me like they're almost daring America to protest as the shove their crap down our throats.

After scuttling the S.S. Obamacare with a massive barrage of Lie-pedoes, I think they basically learned that they could manipulate their power base to vote almost exactly opposite of what will actually benefit them. They probably thought to themselves, "If I can get them to fight venomously FOR the very insurance companies that give it to them up the butt, what the hell else can I get them to do?" It's like they got their first Roomba, and are trying to see if they can make it fall down the stairs.

The GOP is essentially like a little kid who's bitched and whined and stomped his feet, bullying his parents until they buy him something expensive and unnecessary. And now, like he's discovered a new superpower, he's testing its strength and its limits.

Fortunately, there's a cure for when adults act like children. You treat them like children. 

Not in a creepy way, though.

Bond Fans and Butthurt

This is really the post that made me wanna write a blog.

I've been watching Bond movies since before I was probably old enough to watch them. I remember every time my mom would go on a business trip, our dad would order pizza and pop in a Bond movie taped from those TBS marathons. And we'd munch on our Dominoes, awed at the sight of Roger Moore riding a goddamned hovercraft gondola through Venice like the Fucks Store was closed for the day.

As I grew up, I began to appreciate how fucking retarded that was. And although Moonraker eventually settled into a nice So Bad It's Good niche, other Bond movies have suffered immensely with time and a wiser perspective. Two have not, though: they've only gotten better as I've gotten older.

And that's why I fucking love Timothy Dalton.

 This man is wearing polka dots and a flower. And he could still fuck your mother while saving democracy.

I can hear...maybe...okay...maybe half of the Bond fans in the world hungrily stroking their torches and pitchforks, ready to open up a piping hot can of Internet rage.

I, myself, am raging at the fact that Blogger can seemingly undo my posts when I accidentally Ctrl-Z, but not redo them after I've carefully crafted a multi-paragraph defense of Timothy Dalton...and this makes me want to shove a World War II German Potato Masher grenade up Blogger's ass, pull the pin, watch its body explode, then force its dog to consume its remains. Then stick my dick in whatever's left.

But...I digress.

Anywho, I'll do my best to reconstruct and distill what I wrote. Basically, I fucking love everything that Dalton did as James Bond. But I am also a man who counts For Your Eyes Only among my favorite Bond movies. And while it's no Moonraker, it still calls into question my ability to render judgment on which Bond movies are "good", as it were.

And yet, every time I've watched Dalton's Bond, I find myself wondering, "Am I taking crazy pills? He's a fucking badass! He kicks ass like he plays for a professional assball club!" Dalton's Bond was a complex and ambiguous hero, a man who would kill in cold blood, would straight-up murder without compunction. But only professionals, only fellow members of the spy craft or the criminal element. As dark as he got, he wouldn't kill people he deemed "innocent".

The reason, I think? He hated his job.

And this is what made his character more complex and compelling than any Bonds before or since. He was clearly conflicted with is duty and place in the world.

You saw it in The Living Daylights, when he threatened to resign when M bitched at him for NOT shooting a girl. A girl who he could tell right away was clearly not the assassin they thought she was. And you saw it in License to Kill, when Bond chaffed under M's housewife-y whines that you have a license to kill whoever you want, but only the ones we tell you to want.

Like Gimli! Fuck that guy.

And so, in what may be Bond's single most badass moment, decision, and movie, he said, "FUCK YOUR SHIT, M" and decided to single-handedly take down a criminal empire and indirectly or directly got everyone the criminal knew killed or maimed.

I think Dalton is on one side of the Bond spectrum, with Roger Moore on the other side. In For Your Eyes Only, as much as I love it, as Bond is working with Q on the case at hand, I have to admit that Bond gets basically served by the acting M. In reference to a hitman vital to the case getting killed while Bond was watching (though it was completely out of Bond's control) his superior tells him, "Try not to muck it up again, 007...". Moore's response, like a whipped husband to his shrewish wife is, "I'll do my best, sir."

 "In all fairness, this spy thing is rather difficult, honey."

Dalton's Bond? Bitch, please. He would have narrowed his eyes, stared at Q, growled "Mind the shop..." Then he would have stormed into M's office, past Moneypenny, who he would probably smack out of the way. He'd pull out his gun, almost pointing it at M (who would win 1st place in the National Pants-Shitting Semifinals) before putting it on the desk and spitting, "With all due respect, sir, if you don't like the way I do things, then you can fire me. But treat me like a damned double-oh, not some MP's joyriding brat."

Bear in mind, I'm fully aware of the more rape-y and sketchy aspects of Dalton's Bond. I don't excuse them, but I chalk them up to Dalton's interpretation of Bond as based on the character's depiction in the novels, as well as the values of the era in which his films were made. Dalton simply delivered a Bond that was more accurate to the novel than any other Bond actor, with the exception of a couple of Sean Connery's scenes. You can debate in the comments whether that makes for a better movie Bond.

Point is, Timothy Dalton brought a dark and rebellious streak to Bond that was 20 years ahead of its time. His Bond was dirty, complex, and because of those traits, compelling. He was a hair away from being declared a sociopath, but that's all an audience needs, especially these days, and it only added to his mystery and badassery.

And speaking of these days, Daniel Craig owes almost everything to Timothy Dalton. Whether he based parts of his performance on Dalton or not, it must be said that those movies paved the way for a darker, cynical Bond. And when you look back at The Living Daylights and License to Kill, unspoiled by Craig's portrayal, you see a Bond who could thrive in today's cultural space.

"A sequel, you say? AND it's darker and edgier? Gentlemen...we'll make trillions."

Dalton essentially did what Daniel Craig did, but 20 years early: he brought Bond back to his literary roots, making him more of a complex and conflicted cold-blooded killer. And god DAMN if it wasn't awesome with BOTH actors.

But how come Dalton's take is reviled? Two words, people: "mood whiplash". 

Let's set the Wayback Machine for 1987. The last two Bond movies to come out were Octopussy and A View To A Kill. The first one featured Roger Moore defusing a nuclear bomb in a clown suit, and the second one featured him defeating Christopher Walken in an old man suit.

 Oh...wait...ohhhh...

The producers of the Bond series bring on Timothy Dalton. A serious Shakespearean actor, who decides to take the character back to his literary roots. Even with some of the more traditionally goofy gadget trappings of The Living Daylights, Dalton's Bond was as different from Moore's as night from day. The movie-going public of the day was asked to swallow a Bond who would kill like it weren't no thang, and was dark enough to tell M off while still gambling with Gimli's life.

And the contrast was only made worse with  License to Kill, where Bond becomes (magnificently) crazed on revenge, and demonstrates why no one in the world should even DREAM about fucking with him. But when compared to the long-standing feel of Roger Moore's tenure (he retired after 12 years, when he was 58 years old), Dalton's Bond must have seemed like a rude and sudden swerve. It's like if Batman Begins had been released right after Batman Forever and Batman and Robin, when the movie-going public had been used to and (mostly) approved of a lighter, sillier take on a beloved character. You can bet that they'd react with a big, hearty "What the fuck?"

"As I hear it, the ice age killed the dinosaurs."

I can imagine that word of mouth greatly contributed to sinking the reputations of Dalton's movies as it has George Lazenby's...one movie. And as fathers told sons and friends told friends that Dalton's movies were bad, they slowly faded into Untouchable status. But the time has come to rediscover them. Ours is an ambiguous time, and our heroes are gray. Our Bond is not the patriotic man with a Union Jack parachute that Bonds of the past were.

If this had been an American flag, even back then they'd be laughing their asses off.

Moore's and Connery's Bonds were queen and country all the way, hurrah hurrah and rule Britannia. They were a product of their time and political climate. Brosnan's Bond was similarly patriotic, but probably more out of nostalgia for Cold War days gone by.

This is probably why Dalton's Bond was such an anomaly...his Bond didn't give one fuck for duty or the British Empire. He was in the spy game because he didn't know anything else, and because it hadn't pissed him off enough yet. And when it did, he went rogue, and spurned his mother country to avenge his only friend, telling the rules, "Sod off, this is for me." For an 80's audience used to the simplistic morality of Moore's 007, this was probably the most bitter pill of all, and they didn't know it yet. 

In a way, Bond's like Captain America or Superman, in that you always expect him to fight for the first world and the ways of violence, booze, and women.

 The "S" is for "Seagram's".

Then suddenly Dalton's Bond does something for himself, against the patriotism and the system he's become a symbol for. And even if the character growth is organic and makes perfect sense for any other person in the same situation, it riles people. It slightly disturbs them, because Bond isn't any other person, he's a poster-boy. 

But for me, that gets boring, as it does when I read Captain America and Superman. Thankfully, Timothy Dalton isn't any other Bond.

And that's why I fucking love him.

Welcome, everybody.

My name's John.

It feels weird to introduce oneself over the internet, considering the prevalence of anonymous threads and forums. But this blog is about me, and stuff I like, and stuff I hope you'll like too, so it seems only fair and right to get to know each other.

Fact of the matter is, I love movies and writing. And sex and booze. And friends and chocolate and a whole bunch of other crap. So you're gonna see or read about all that stuff. Especially movies.

And that's where the title comes in. Champagne and Fart Jokes is going to be about all kinds of stuff, from all walks of life. It's going to be a mixture of high brow (cocktails, movies, books, history) and low brow (explosions, movies, poop jokes, and boobies). If you don't like one, you can have the other.

But even if you don't like something, tell me about it. I wanna hear from people (even trolls) and I hope that if you like what you'll read here, you'll spread the word. So come on in, shake the rain from your boots, sit down, grab a drink. Put on some Chromeo. And let rip a nice, rattling broccoli fart. Because this is the Internet. And we're all friends here.